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ERAP: ON WORLD WIDE WEB

One day, isang araw, Erap notices people were signing up for a free seminar about the WWW. Erap says: "It's really nice to see so many people interested in history. But, there should be another seminar where our country was more involved."

His bodyguard says: "What do you mean, sir?" Erap explains: "I mean there should also be a seminar about WWT.... not only world war wan..... but also world war two."



ERAP: AT THE AIRPORT

ERAP, on his way to the US, decided to stop by the vendo machine by the airport lounge. He drops a few coins and out comes a can of coke.

"Okey ito ha!" He drops a few more coins and out comes a candy bar. "Ba, ayos a!" His aide comes over to him and says, "Sir, boarding time na ho sa eroplano!"

ERAP: "WAG KANG MAGULO! HINDI MO BA NAKIKITA NA NANANALO PA AKO---BUWISIT!!!"

Finally, he boards the plane with a bag full of coke and chocolate bars. He goes directly into first class. The stewardess (pinay) was alarmed and tells the Purser, "Sir, the Vice President ERAP is seated in first class. His ticket is only business. What shall we do?"

The purser takes a minute and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it". The purser approaches ERAP who is fidgeting with his seatbelts.

PURSER : "Good morning ser....saan kayo papunta???

ERAP : "Sa America...bakit?

PURSER : "Naku ser, sa likod nalang ho kayo umupo at doon ang papunta sa America...dito sa harap ang papuntang JAPAN!!"

ERAP : "Ah ganoon ba...buti sinabi mo...sige, lilipat na ako!"

Seated between a Japanese and German businessmen, ERAP listens to the two. The German, talking in his native language, had on a headgear. The Japanese asked the German "Kore wa des ka?...what is that?"

GERMAN: "Hiel...dezz iz nothing. It iz zee latest technology ien Germany...the headsvone! I am talking to mine headquarters in zee Berlin."

The Japanese, not to be outdone, also started talking in his native language. The German asked him, "Vhat is dhat?"

The Jap says proudly, "Ano ne..kore wa is latest Japanes technology in Japang! Have mic implant in tongue ...and speaker in ear. I speak to office in Toyko ..neh."

ERAP, irked by the two other nationalities started to do a slow and looong FART. "....TRRRRRRR,TRRRR..PURURUUUUUUUT!"

The two businessmen closing their noses say...."&^^%$#@! WHAT'S THAT SOUND???"

ERAP says proudly, "Ah that, that's nothing. I WAS ONLY SENDING A FAX TO THE PRESIDENT!"

On his arrival in SFO. ERAP notices a long queue in the immigration area. He glances and sees a shorter queue that read..."OLYMPIC ATHLETES ONLY"

"Aba, doon na ako pipila...hehe." He instructs his aides to look for sport props.

The first aide, carrying a hubcap, goes through. His excuse...DISCUS thrower.

ERAP: "Aba ayos yon ah!"

The second aide also goes through with a mop pole. His excuse...JAVELIN thrower.

ERAP: "Aba...mahusay din." "Teka muna, bise presidente ako ng Pilipins. Dapat hindi basta-basta lang ang sports ko!! Dapat cultured ng konti."

He goes around and finds a bundle of barbed wire. "Ayos ito...tamang tama." He goes directly to the immigration area.

Immigration Officer: "Sorry sir, this queue is only for athletes...What's your excuse?"

ERAP: Showing him the barbed wire with a wide grin..."FENCING!"



ERAP: ON ANIMAL SOUNDS

Isang araw, magkasamang nakasakay sa isang presidential car sina Cory, Ramos at Erap. Siyempre, may convoy ng mga Presidential Security (PSG). Habang papunta sila sa isang peace talks sa may bundok, inambush sila ng mga rebelde. Naubos lahat ng PSG at silang tatlo lamang ang natira kaya sinimulan na nila ang pagtakas.

Maya-maya ay narating nila ang isang gilid ng bangin. Wala na silang matatakbuhan, malapit na ang mga tumutugis na rebelde. Tatlong magkakatabing puno ng niyog lang ang naroon, wala ng iba pang mapagtataguan. Naisipan nilang akyatin ang mga puno at doon magtago. Dumating ang mga rebelde....

Lider: "Wala silang ibang mapupuntahan, nandito lamang iyon sa paligid. Ka Tukmol, alugin mo ang mga puno ng niyog na iyan, baka nagtatago sila sa itaas...."

Ka Tukmol: (Inalog ang unang puno)

Eh nasa itaas si Cory, nag-isip si tita Cory ng paraan para 'wag siyang mahuli. Naisip niyang gumawa ng animal sounds....

Cory: "Twit, twit, twit"

Ka Tukmol: "Bos, wala rito sa punong ito, ibon lang ang nandito."

Lider: "'Yung isa."

Ka Tukmol: (Inalog ang ikalawang puno)

Eh nasa itaas si Ramos, nag-isip si Ramos ng paraan para 'wag siyang mahuli. Naisip niyang gayahin ang ginawa ni tita Cory. Gumawa rin siya ng animal sounds....

Ramos: "Tsk, tsk, tsk..."

Ka Tukmol: "Bos, wala rin dito, butiki lang ang nandito....."

Lider: "'Yung huli."

Ka Tukmol: (Inalog ang ikatlong puno)

Eh nasa itaas si ERAP, hindi alam ni ERAP kung anong gagawin....

Erap: "Ramos, anong gagawin ko? Baka mahuli ako!

Ramos: "Tanga, gumawa ka ng animal sounds.

Erap: "Animal sounds? O sige, madali lang 'yon."

Ka Tukmol: (inalog muli ang puno)

Erap: "Mooooooo.....Mooooooo (cow sound)"



ANOTHER ERAP JOKE

In a meeting with Bill Clinton and other US officials, Erap overheard one senator ask Bill Clinton: "Mr. President, if my father's son is my son's father, who is he?" Bill Clinton replies, "Why, me, of course."

Erap then thinks to himself: "Aba, okay 'to, ah. Magamit nga kay pareng Tito (Sotto)."

So after the meeting, Erap goes to Tito Sotto and asks: "Pareng Tito, if my father's son is my son's father, who is he?"

Isip ngayon si Pareng Tito, but not being very bright himself, could not think of the answer.

So Tito Sotto replies, "Ah, Pareng Erap, magmi-miting na kami, eh. Sasagutin ko na lang yan mamaya."

Tito Sotto then thinks to himself: "Yes! Nakatakas! Alam ko na, tatanungin ko si Ka Blas."

So Tito Sotto approaches Blas Ople and asks: "Ka Blas! If my father's son is my son's father, who is he?"

Blas Ople replies, "That's so easy! It's me!"

Tito Sotto again thinks to himself: "Yes! May sagot na ako kay Pareng Erap."

So after the meeting, Tito Sotto approaches Erap. "Pareng Erap, ano uli yung tanong mo?"

Erap replies, "If my father's son is my son's father, who is he?"

Tito answers, "Ang dali naman! Siyempre, si Ka Blas!"

Tawa si Erap , "Ano ka ba naman! Hindi pare! Si Bill Clinton!"



BEEPER 150

Erap called the beeper operator.
Beeper Operator: Beeper 150, message please
Erap: Jinggoy, you left your beeper with me





IQ TEST

A teacher went up to Erap because he wanted to test Erap's IQ.

Teacher: Erap, can you spell defense?

Erap: Aba naman, oo!!! D-E-F-E-N-S-E!!!

T: Aba, tama ho! E, defeat?

E: Aba naman... kadali-dali! D-E-F-E-A-T!!!

T: Naku, President Erap! Ang galing niyo naman! E, how about detail?

E: D-E-T-A-I-L!

T: Naku, President Erap! Ang dami-daming nagkamali tungkol sa inyo ha! Eh ang tali-talino niyo pala! O, ito, last question ko sayo. Gamitin mo and defense, defeat and detail in a sentence.

E: The cow jump over DEFENSE, first DEFEAT then DETAIL.





SI CLINTON, SI YELTSIN, AT SI ERAP

Kasi si Clinton, si Yeltsin at si Erap, pumuntang Heaven. Sabi ni God, "I will answer any of your questions." So nauna si Clinton.
Clinton: God, When will my sex case close?
God: By the year 2015
Clinton began to cry. God asked him why and he said, "Because by that time I will not be president anymore and then all the history books in America will say my administration was sex-ridden..." So there, Clinton disappeared na. Now it was Yeltsin's turn to ask God a question.
Yeltsin: God, when will Russia become an economic power?
God: By the year 2020
Yeltsin began to cry. God asked him why and he said, "Because by that time I will be dead already..." So there, Yeltin disappeared na. Now it was Erap's turn.
Erap: God, simple lang ang question ko. Kailan ako matatanggap ng mga social at elite classes bilang isang mabuting politician at presidente?
Biglang naiyak si God. Erap asked him why and God said, "Because by that time, wala na ako!"





ANG GENIE

Erap found a lamp. He rubbed it and out came a genie.
Genie: You have one wish. What is your wish?
Erap: Can you connect all the islands of the Philippines with bridges so that travel will be easier?
Genie: Aba, ang hirap naman non... how about another one?
Erap: Ah, alam ko na... make me smart nalang
Genie: Ay... never mind, I'll just do the bridges





MIRIAM VS. ERAP

The most intelligent "presidentiable", Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised debate.

To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.

Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.

She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home.

Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....





ANG KABAYO, BOW

Erap, Joe De V and Fred Lim are soliciting campaign funds from the Sultan of Brunei. The Sultan has a very intelligent horse, who understands English but is lame. Sultan says he will donate a million dollars to the candidate who can make the horse laugh, cry and run.

Joe says, "Me first." (as he is accustomed to do).
He puts his face in front of the horse, and starts wiggling his huge ears. The horse enjoys the breeze, but does not laugh. Joe takes out money and waives it in front of the horse while making sad, crying sounds (nangaasar baga). The horse ignores the money, and refuses to cry.
Joe then slaps the horse's behind, and starts shouting "Heyaah". The horse ignores him and refuses to run. (The fact that the horse speaks English was totally lost on Joe, who is not very bright).

Lim comes up next. He looks at the horse and says, "Kapag 'di ka tumawa, papatayin kita"("If you don't laugh, I'll kill you!").
Horse didn't laugh.
He walks over to the other side and says, "Kapag 'di ka umiyak, papa-salvage kita."("If you don't cry, I'll have you salvaged. - Locally, "salvage" is similar to "rub-out".)
Horse didn't cry.
Finally, he stands beside the horse and says, "Kung hindi ka tumakbo, pipinturahan ko yung bahay mo ng "AKO'Y PILAY". ("If you don't run, I paint "I'm lame' on your house.")
Horse didn't run.

Erap comes to the front. He whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse bucks and laughs so loudly, the Sultan thought it was going to die. Erap whispers again. The horse starts to weep copiously. Finally, Erap whispers again, and the horse takes off running like a shot.

Joe and Fred are amazed. "What did you say to the horse first?" asks Joe. br Erap: "I'm the Vice-President of the Philippines".

Fred: "And how did you make him cry?"
Erap: "And I'm going to be the next President of the Philippines".

"Why did he run away?" they both asked.




MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY

Little is known of the fact that Erap once applied in Med School. Listed below are the results of his entrance test dug up from some ancient archives. Needless to say, he didn't make it.

Antibody - against everyone
Artery - the study of fine paintings
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - letters like A, E, I, O or U
Caesarean Section - a district in Rome
Cardiology - advanced study of poker playing
CAT Scan - searching for one's lost kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Coma - a punctuation mark
Congenital - friendly
Cortisone - the local courthouse
D & C - where Washington is
Dilate - to live longer
Enema - not a friend
ER - the things on your head that you hear with
Fibrillate - to tell lies
Genes - blue denim slacks
Hemorrhoid - a male from outer space
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor Pain - hurt at work
Organ Transplant - what you do to your piano when you move
Paralyze - two far-fetched stories
Pathological - a reasonable way to go
Pharmacist - person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
Protein - in favor of young people
Red Blood Count - Dracula
Rheumatic - amorous
Secretion - hiding anything
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tibia - country in North Africa
Triple Bypass - better than a quarterback sneak
Tumor - an extra pair
Urine - opposite of "you're out"
Varicose - very close
Vein - conceit




ERAP ON SOFTDRINKS

Tanong: Ilan litres meron ang Coke 2000?
Erap: Apat!
Tanong: Ha????
Erap: LITRE C, LITRE O, LITRE K, LITRE E!!





AN ASAP ERAP JOKE

Boboy : Problema ng taong bayan kung anong itatawag kay Erap. . . Pres. Estrada o Pres. Ejercito.
John: Basta ako alam ko na kung ano ang itatawag ko sa kanya.
Boboy: Ano yon?
John: (Sabay ngiti at kaway sa camera with feelings) Titooooo. . .





PEOPLE SAY

Alfredo Lim is half-Filipino, half-Chinese.
Manoling Morato is half-Filipino, half-Filipina.
Erap is half-Filipino, half-Alcohol.





SAMUT-SARING ERAP JOKE

Why did Erap went around in circles in his car?
His turn signal got stuck!

***

How do San Miguel beer bottle and Erap alike?
They are both empty from the neck up.

***

Why does Erap keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
They are for those who don't drink!

***

How do you confuse Erap?
Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

***

Why did Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

***

Why does Erap proud for finishing a puzzle in only six months?
The box said "2 to 4 years!"

***

Why does Erap always smile during lightning storms?
He thinks his picture is being taken.

***

Why does Erap have "TGIF" written on his shoes?
Toes Go In First.

***

How can you tell that it is Erap who sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

***

Why can't Erap dial 911?
He can't find the eleven on the phone!

***

How can you tell if Erap has been using your computer?
There is liquid paper all over the monitor.

***

How do you get Erap on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.

***

Why is it good to have Erap as a passenger in your car?
You can park in the handicap zone.

***

Why shouldn't Erap have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain him.

***

Erap and Tito Sotto were observed in a parking lot trying to unlockthe door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Tito: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Erap: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, it's starting to rain and the top is down!

***

Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M & M's factory?
He kept throwing out the Ws.

***

Why does Erap like a BMW better than a Volkswagen?
He can spell BMW.

***

How did Erap break his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.

***

Why did Erap instruct his maid to change his baby's diaper only once a month?
Because it says right on the package that it's good for up to 20 pounds.

***

Why doesn't Erap eat Jell-O?
Because he can't figure out how to get 2 cups of water into those little packages.

***

If Erap and Cory are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
Cory...Erap has to stop to ask for directions.

***

Why did Erap tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

***

What did Erap do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
He moved.

***

First thing Erap will change is the name of Malacanang Palace to White Castle.

***

Ramos: Erap, why do you cry while eating Chippy? And why do you shed your tears on the wrapper?
Erap: Because it says here on top "Tear here"

***

During a press conference on morality...
Reporter: Sir, how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Erap: 16 !!!
Reporter: Why???
Erap: Because the priest says:
Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.

***

One particular day many years ago, Erap's wife was having labor pains.
Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
Erap: Yes, doc!
Doc: Is this the first baby?
Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!

***

Erap is in a restaurant with three friends.
One friend orders for "potato" and another, for "mashed potato". The third friend asks aloud what the difference is between "potato" and "mashed potato".
Pointing to his off-white wrist band, Erap volunteers, "Ito, pote 'to". Then he points to his white shirt: "Mas pote 'to".

***

In grade school, asked to define bacteria, Erap answers: "It's the backdoor of the cafeteria."

***

At a beach resort, Erap's friends take a motorized banca to go to a nearby island. Rushing to the shore, Erap calls out to his friends, "Hoy! Wait!" but the banca speeds away. Erap picks up his binoculars, focuses on his friends in the banca, and softly says, "Balik kayo! Sasama ako!"

***

Asked why he regularly patronizes a certain restaurant, Erap says "I like the ambulance."

***

Arriving at a French restaurant with his son who was driving the car, Erap tells him to ask for valet parking. And Erap says "val-et."
Erap's son corrects his father: "Val-ey parking."
Once inside the restaurant, Erap tells his son that they'll have buff-et.
Again, the son corrects the father: "Buff-ey"
After lunch Erap asks for the bill. Then he tells his son, "I left my wall-ey in the car."

***

Erap defines philology as the study of Filipino grandfathers.
And pathology as the study of ducks.

***

Erap, on being praised for easily remembering people's names, says, "I have a pornographic memory."

***

Rushing from his office to attend a gathering of former army officers, Erap is asked by his secretary where he is going>
"I am meeting with some retarded generals."

***

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Erap proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me only 5 months to do it," Erap brags.
"Five months? Ang tagal naman," the friend exclaims.

"Anong matagal?" Erap replies. "Ang bilis ko kamo. Naka-print nga sa box, 4 to 7 years. Na solve ko nga in 5 months."

***

Complaining of occasional dizziness and chest pains, Erap is given a thorugh physical exam, after which the doctor advises him to stop smoking and drinking and, most important of all, to refrain from eating pork, Erap's favorite food.
"Stay away from ork. Just eat vegetables and meat from those that swim or fly," the doctor tells Erap.
After a week, the doctor calls up Erap to remind him to stick only to those that swim or fly.
At the end of the second week, the doctor drops in at Erap's house to personally check on his patient. He is informed that Erap is in the swimming pool.
Elated that Erap is even into exercise, the doctor rushes to the pool only to find Erap in the water, patiently trying to teach a pig how to swim.

***

Asked what impressed him most after a visit to the Sea World, Erap says: "It's the first time I've seen an octopus up close. I never realized it had so many testicles."

***

Why does Erap always wear a band on his right wrist?
To enable him to distinguish his left from his right hand.

***

Erap and Manoling went to the beach. After diving, a fish swallowed Erap's dick. He punched the fish and it died.
Erap to Manoling: Kaya mo 'yun?
Manoling: Oo naman, basta huwag mo akong susuntukin, ha?

***

Erap calling hotel receptionist.
Erap: Paano ako makakalabas dito sa kuwarto ko?
Receptionist: Bakit po sir, ano pong problema sa mga pinto?
Erap: Dalawa lang ang pinto. Ang isa pag bukas ko banyo. 'Yung isa naman may nakasabit na "do not disturb"

***

Erap went to France to watch the World Cup. He was toured around by a French official.
"Mr. President, this is Joan of Arc. Do you know her?"
Erap: Of course. She's Noah's wife.

***

Erap and Loi were on an African safari when a huge lion sprang out of nowhere and dragged Loi with its jaws.
Loi: Shoot, shoot!
Erap: I can't. I've run out of film!

***

Driver to Erap: Boss, paki-tingnan nga ninyo yung signal light kung ayos na?
Erap: (linabas ang ulo at tiningnan, sabi niya) Ooops sira. Ooops gawa. Oops sira...

***

clinton, yeltsin and erap were dining with their wives...
clinton to wife: can u pls pass the sugar, sugar?
yeltsin to wife: can u pls pass the honey, honeypie?
erap to loi: can u pls pass the pork, porky pig?

***

Ano ang kotseng tanga.... hon-duh
eh yung mas tanga pa diyan.... maz-duh
yung pinaka tanga... eh di estra-duh